Category Archives: behavior

Get schooled

14 Friday Feb 2020

Posted by in behavior, Intentions, knowledge, leadership

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Thoughts while visiting colleges with my daughter

I really enjoyed the privilege of taking my middle daughter on a tour of potential colleges. She is a bright young woman with plenty of options; she is clear about what she’s looking for. That’s good, because, personally, I felt drawn to each school we attended. Not just as a parent. I imagined attending EVERY school we visited as a student. To me, they all seemed like magical places of learning, with beautiful campuses, rich histories and a who’s who of professors just waiting to impart the secrets of the universe. After four years within their hallowed halls, I would emerge a well-rounded, brilliant, empathetic and nearly perfect human specimen. By the way, my children find this fantasy of mine hilarious. I suppose it is.

It’s the curse of the life-long learner — every opportunity to learn new things seems invaluable. Every educational environment seems awesome. And every earnest place of learning, especially a few of the prestigious schools my daughter was considering, seem like a big deal. At least, it did to me. No doubt, some of this derives from my experience as an Indiana kid reared in solid Midwestern values; I sometimes wonder what I missed by not attending a popular school. But I think what really struck me is the incredible opportunities available to all students. I’m not sure younger people are geared to see this. I suspect it’s an adult’s reflection on the narrowing world of “what’s possible” for us at a time when, for our children, anything seems possible.

Anyway, on this journey with my daughter, two things became really clear: 1) Any environment designed to optimize learning is good. 2) In choosing a college, we drive ourselves crazy for all the wrong reasons.

As a father, I want what’s best for my daughters. What parent doesn’t? But it occurred to me, even as I was being awestruck by our tour of colleges, that the ultimate choice was important only insofar as it was my daughter’s choice and it provided her an environment conducive to learning. What mattered most was my daughter’s own commitment to learn and her overall happiness. And if she chose to attend the free city college for a couple years, and then transfer to a local university, she would thrive. She will succeed because she is primed to get the most out of every opportunity to learn, and there are innumerable, excellent opportunities.

Just about the time the college visits were going on, the scandal broke regarding certain wealthy, entitled parents hiring someone to fraudulently inflate their kids’ entrance exam scores and bribe college admissions officials. Sobbing mothers appeared on the nightly news saying they just wanted to secure their children’s futures. Again, what parent doesn’t? But it’s not something you can achieve just by writing a check, and they must know that. So it makes me question their real motives.

My personal opinion is that as parents we often have so much invested in our children’s success that it becomes an extension of our own personal equity. We like being able to casually mention at dinner parties that our kids are attending a popular school and rubbing elbows with the elite or Nobel Prize winners. We like to flaunt our own brilliant parenting skills.

I suspect we also do this as business leaders. How many times have we heard about C-suite corporate leaders who make a short-term decision to impress Wall Street, their shareholders, or the people at the club, knowing that it will hurt long-term productivity, innovation, and growth? How often is our first consideration “how will this make me look?” instead of “how will this affect future growth?”

Whether we are acting as parents or business leaders, we need to constantly examine our own motives. If we’ve launched our children into a lifetime of learning habits, and designed our organizations for continuous improvement, we’re doing our jobs.

What have I done for you lately?

31 Friday Jan 2020

Posted by in behavior, inspiration, leadership, Uncategorized

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The best cure for feeling unappreciated is to show appreciation.

I suppose everyone is entitled to the occasional pity party. Even people in the C-suite. Some days it seems that no one knows how hard we work. No one treats us with the respect we’ve earned. No one gives us what we really want. Are we that hard to please?

Yes. Yes, we are that hard to please. So take a deep breath and try this — show someone else some appreciation. And instead of asking, “what have you done for me lately?” ask, “have I done enough for others?”

These two questions typify distinct personalities at opposite ends of the leadership spectrum.

One has a bloated sense of entitlement that is constantly disappointed because no one else seems to prioritize their needs as highly as they do themselves. Their focus is all inward; they can never get enough attention, praise, pandering, credit, or reward for what they see as their due. They enjoy being the boss, but reject the actual pain that can goes with leadership. At best, they are the lonely person in the corner office. At worst, they are the self-centered country-club poser.

The other type of leader is outwardly focused. They worry that they have not given their people enough of themselves — enough inspiration, enough encouragement, enough instruction, enough recognition. They accept the responsibility of leadership, which often includes some ingratitude. They take the high road. They are the real deal.

I’ve learned from both of these types, and I’ve tried to model my behavior on the second. It’s not all that altruistic. The truth is, doing our best for other people feels pretty good. It’s all part of a true leader’s identity — we help organizations and individuals be their best selves. We will fail sometimes, and we will feel bad about it. We may even feel unappreciated. But not for long. Because there are more people who need our help. Who need our encouragement. Who are relying on us to stay outwardly focused.

Every morning we have a choice. Which is the priority — my needs, or their needs? The irony is, the second choice can fulfill them both.

Looking for a fight?

23 Thursday Jan 2020

Posted by in behavior, listening

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Don’t get angry. Don’t get even. Get real.

Do you ever have the feeling that someone is trying to pick a fight with you, but you can’t quite figure out why? It’s a lot like the schoolyard bully — some big kid who’d pick on you in hopes you’d take the first swing, so he could really pound you. Now that we’re so-called adults, this kind of behavior is usually less physical and more passive-aggressive. Either way, it’s unproductive and unprofessional. Unfortunately, I’ve seen it happen often enough that I’ve learned to decode the behavior. I find it helps to remind myself that, most of the time, it’s not about me. It’s about something they’re working through and, for whatever reason, I have become the target of choice.

Often this kind of bullying behavior is triggered by some minor or imagined offense on our part. Instead of responding right away (so we know we’ve given offense), our colleague harbors the resentment, nurtures it, and when it finally erupts, it is over-the-top and inappropriate. I suspect most of us are willing to excuse it as, “they’re just having a bad day.” But there is a danger that our colleague is digging a hole they can’t get out of. As business leaders — and as friends — we need to help pull them out, even if they are reluctant to own up to the real source of the grievance.

No one likes to be called out. Especially in a public forum. But if you feel someone is consistently giving you the passive-aggressive treatment, or even worse, if you find that everything someone else is doing seems to rub you the wrong way, so that you lash out at them, it’s time for a one-on-one chat. Be honest. Talk about what you’ve observed, and try to achieve reconciliation.

This is more than business etiquette. Our work is too important to allow for unproductive, disruptive, adolescent behavior. We expect our colleagues to be intelligent; we should be able to insist on emotional intelligence too. This works both ways. If we never learn what we’re doing to offend our colleagues, we can never make it right and relationships will deteriorate, along with the quality of our work. You don’t have to be best friends, but you need to respect each other and the work it’s your job to accomplish together. Instead of digging trenches, you need to march toward mutual goals.

I wish we could simply mandate that passive-aggressive behavior is unacceptable in the workplace. Our time is too valuable. Our emotional construct too vulnerable. Honest, one-on-one discussion can untangle and preempt a lot of office drama. It requires a degree of vulnerability, but it’s imperative to organizational health. And it’s the only way to disarm and redeem schoolyard bullies.

You’ve Got Mail (You Don’t Know it)

11 Friday Jan 2019

Posted by in behavior, coach, feedback

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Early lessons in leadership – #7.

Early in my career, circa 1990, my work in the nascent tech-media industry forced me to raise my game in computer literacy.  It was a humbling experience — but a great learning opportunity.

I was hired by Seybold Seminars, and when asked about my computer experience, I felt pretty confident.  After all, I had a rudimentary understanding of DOS — I knew how to enter a password to access a central inventory database — what else could there be?

So, there I was, the new guy, when my new boss asked me to cover for her while she went to Australia on holiday. She explained that she’d sent all of her contracts and follow-up information to my in-box. I assured her I was on it. After she left the country, I couldn’t find anything I needed, so I went down to the mailroom and explained that I was looking for some missing files. What I discovered was that she’d sent everything to my email box. I didn’t even know I had one — or how to use it. Epic fail.

For a few days, my work life felt like a bad sit-com. To get it back on track, I had to swallow my pride, make myself vulnerable, and ask for help with email procedures that now seem rudimentary. I had to learn an all-new way of working, and it was pretty intimidating.

Fortunately, I had an awesome, generous boss who saw beyond my shortcomings to the core competencies she knew I brought to the table.  That helped my bruised ego, because I shared her office, and had to learn a suite of new technology tools right in front of her. Every time I fat-fingered something and my Mac computer blasted  a “FAIL” noise, she just shouted out the command sequences I needed.

I never forgot the two lessons I learned from this humiliating experience. First – if you don’t know, don’t fake it. It’s better to be vulnerable and ask for help than to exacerbate the problem. Second – be patient with people who need help learning the ropes. True leaders, like my boss at Seybold, understand the importance of hiring for essential abilities and culture fit. Skills can be taught, but values define us. And empathy is a two-way street.

When Mr. Hyde shows up uninvited…

01 Thursday Sep 2016

Posted by in behavior, meetings, personas

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Office meetings provide a great opportunity to study human behavior. I am always amazed at how the personas of people I work with and enjoy can suddenly change based on the group dynamic.

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One behavior I’ve come to recognize is the Dr. Jekyll-and-Mr. Hyde effect that happens when a generally mild-mannered person tries to dominate a meeting or conversation. Nine times out of ten, it’s a signal that the person is feeling insecure about something. It may be that they haven’t worked out the bugs in the idea they’re presenting or the position they want to defend. Or the lack of confidence may be because they feel threatened by, or jealous of, someone in the room. Maybe they just feel ill-prepared because they didn’t do their homework and are trying to bluff their way through. As a result, they try to dominate the conversation, make it hard for anyone else to suggest an idea, and act like an annoying boor. Or worse.

This recently happened at a backyard barbecue with neighbors. A family friend, invited to mix with other neighbors for the first time, suddenly started acting like the casual banter was a championship tennis match that she had to win. Her voice became loud. Her opinions were stated with absolute authority. No one else was allowed to interject a thought.

The next day, my wife was still furious that our friend could become so aggressive without provocation. But I recognized the behavior pattern from years of observing people who try to dominate business meetings. So I shared with my wife the rule I’ve adopted for myself. You can be angry about it, or you can have empathy for whatever is driving the insecurity. You can “bench” people for being annoying, or you can “coach” them to play well with others. You may not be able to give them a hug in a meeting room – but you can prop them up with a kind word, show that you’re interested in the idea, and take the emotional volume down a notch.

Eventually, most people take the hint that Dr. Jekyll has more influence than Mr. Hyde and stop bringing him to meetings.  But if you ever get trapped in a meeting or backyard BBQ by a bombastic boor, at least you’ll recognize the symptoms, and can look for a remedy.

Desperate people in desperate situations do desperate things

25 Thursday Aug 2016

Posted by in behavior, Desperation, Needs, Truth

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The headlines are filled with the actions of desperate people. Millions of refugees risk everything to crowd onto unseaworthy boats for a 50/50 chance of making it to Europe. Why? Because the odds are even worse if they stay home.

Most parents can relate to this feeling; is there anything you wouldn’t do to keep your children from starving? It’s Maslow’s hierarchy of needs played out at the most basic level. And we often see it in the business world when people feel they can’t control even the most fundamental aspects of their work life.

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People who find themselves in untenable work situations – for example, trapped on a failing project – may react with a range of desperate behaviors. It can seem relatively innocent at first – calling in sick more than usual, sloppy documentation, or ducking out of meetings. But if the situation gets worse – so can the behavior.

Desperate employees – people who feel they have no options – might lie, steal, sabotage a co-worker’s project or even resort to violence. As managers, when we see the warning signs, we need to perform triage, identify the pain points, and help surface all of the viable options.  Granted, it isn’t always easy. I’ve seen desperate people acting out over rumors of layoffs. But once they are told the truth – even by confirming the layoffs – they know where they stand and the desperation-driven behavior disappears.

Don’t punish desperation – defuse it.