Category Archives: behavior

You’ve Got Mail (You Don’t Know it)

11 Friday Jan 2019

Posted by in behavior, coach, feedback

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Early lessons in leadership – #7.

Early in my career, circa 1990, my work in the nascent tech-media industry forced me to raise my game in computer literacy.  It was a humbling experience — but a great learning opportunity.

I was hired by Seybold Seminars, and when asked about my computer experience, I felt pretty confident.  After all, I had a rudimentary understanding of DOS — I knew how to enter a password to access a central inventory database — what else could there be?

So, there I was, the new guy, when my new boss asked me to cover for her while she went to Australia on holiday. She explained that she’d sent all of her contracts and follow-up information to my in-box. I assured her I was on it. After she left the country, I couldn’t find anything I needed, so I went down to the mailroom and explained that I was looking for some missing files. What I discovered was that she’d sent everything to my email box. I didn’t even know I had one — or how to use it. Epic fail.

For a few days, my work life felt like a bad sit-com. To get it back on track, I had to swallow my pride, make myself vulnerable, and ask for help with email procedures that now seem rudimentary. I had to learn an all-new way of working, and it was pretty intimidating.

Fortunately, I had an awesome, generous boss who saw beyond my shortcomings to the core competencies she knew I brought to the table.  That helped my bruised ego, because I shared her office, and had to learn a suite of new technology tools right in front of her. Every time I fat-fingered something and my Mac computer blasted  a “FAIL” noise, she just shouted out the command sequences I needed.

I never forgot the two lessons I learned from this humiliating experience. First – if you don’t know, don’t fake it. It’s better to be vulnerable and ask for help than to exacerbate the problem. Second – be patient with people who need help learning the ropes. True leaders, like my boss at Seybold, understand the importance of hiring for essential abilities and culture fit. Skills can be taught, but values define us. And empathy is a two-way street.

When Mr. Hyde shows up uninvited…

01 Thursday Sep 2016

Posted by in behavior, meetings, personas

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Office meetings provide a great opportunity to study human behavior. I am always amazed at how the personas of people I work with and enjoy can suddenly change based on the group dynamic.

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One behavior I’ve come to recognize is the Dr. Jekyll-and-Mr. Hyde effect that happens when a generally mild-mannered person tries to dominate a meeting or conversation. Nine times out of ten, it’s a signal that the person is feeling insecure about something. It may be that they haven’t worked out the bugs in the idea they’re presenting or the position they want to defend. Or the lack of confidence may be because they feel threatened by, or jealous of, someone in the room. Maybe they just feel ill-prepared because they didn’t do their homework and are trying to bluff their way through. As a result, they try to dominate the conversation, make it hard for anyone else to suggest an idea, and act like an annoying boor. Or worse.

This recently happened at a backyard barbecue with neighbors. A family friend, invited to mix with other neighbors for the first time, suddenly started acting like the casual banter was a championship tennis match that she had to win. Her voice became loud. Her opinions were stated with absolute authority. No one else was allowed to interject a thought.

The next day, my wife was still furious that our friend could become so aggressive without provocation. But I recognized the behavior pattern from years of observing people who try to dominate business meetings. So I shared with my wife the rule I’ve adopted for myself. You can be angry about it, or you can have empathy for whatever is driving the insecurity. You can “bench” people for being annoying, or you can “coach” them to play well with others. You may not be able to give them a hug in a meeting room – but you can prop them up with a kind word, show that you’re interested in the idea, and take the emotional volume down a notch.

Eventually, most people take the hint that Dr. Jekyll has more influence than Mr. Hyde and stop bringing him to meetings.  But if you ever get trapped in a meeting or backyard BBQ by a bombastic boor, at least you’ll recognize the symptoms, and can look for a remedy.

Desperate people in desperate situations do desperate things

25 Thursday Aug 2016

Posted by in behavior, Desperation, Needs, Truth

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The headlines are filled with the actions of desperate people. Millions of refugees risk everything to crowd onto unseaworthy boats for a 50/50 chance of making it to Europe. Why? Because the odds are even worse if they stay home.

Most parents can relate to this feeling; is there anything you wouldn’t do to keep your children from starving? It’s Maslow’s hierarchy of needs played out at the most basic level. And we often see it in the business world when people feel they can’t control even the most fundamental aspects of their work life.

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People who find themselves in untenable work situations – for example, trapped on a failing project – may react with a range of desperate behaviors. It can seem relatively innocent at first – calling in sick more than usual, sloppy documentation, or ducking out of meetings. But if the situation gets worse – so can the behavior.

Desperate employees – people who feel they have no options – might lie, steal, sabotage a co-worker’s project or even resort to violence. As managers, when we see the warning signs, we need to perform triage, identify the pain points, and help surface all of the viable options.  Granted, it isn’t always easy. I’ve seen desperate people acting out over rumors of layoffs. But once they are told the truth – even by confirming the layoffs – they know where they stand and the desperation-driven behavior disappears.

Don’t punish desperation – defuse it.